don't list me here
<<2010-01-10 at 8:38 p.m.>>

to look in the middle of me is like looking into a splash of green and red paint.
there is a mossy hill inside my chest that heaves and heaves the further i climb inside.
closed in this self imposed prison, i feel the rage lift and carry the hostility of my eyes into the snow of my ears.
fuzzy little elephants trample inside my head and i wonder where i go, where is the warmth, where is my happily ever after?
a shell in big black boots and an ugly blue suit, i stumble along pretending to always be someone i'm not.
the lies rip apart my heart and i'm not sure i can show my face here in this aggressive place, where everyone carries a knife.
i should find a way to slide away and forgive all of these atrocities that i blink into my lashes and over the years the taste of tears is no longer salty, just water falling down my face.
where did i go? is that what we're all meant to battle in this life? some of us are mothers, daughters, best friends, wives, sisters, and every other human role.
is my role to be so hateful that it just hardens me more and more as i age so gracefully in this thin thin skin?
i wish the 10 year younger version of me would come out of these bones and sweep me off my feet.
i was so pretty then.

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